It's every couple's nightmare. No, not the wedding, but what happens if the wedding goes wrong. Guests going hungry, in-laws misbehaving, cops showing up--these are prime ingredients for turning a wedding from blissful to backward in a moment. In some cases, a wedding can be so horrendous that the relationship can't survive it. Get ready to flex your cringe muscles to these super awkward wedding stories.
46. If Stephen King planned weddings...
Some hippie friends of my parents got married when I was about 14, and it was a location wedding at some earthy little mountain getaway in Tennessee. Only it was outside and in mid-August, and in Tennessee that's like...90-degree, full humidity weather. But that's okay. Since it was so hot they decided to do it barefoot in a creek. Well they had a cage of butterflies to release during the kiss, but as it turns out, they had all died because of the heat! When the big moment came, someone opened the cage dramatically to let them free and like two half-dead butterflies stumbled out and the rest were shriveled and dead inside. The hippie bride screamed in horror.
Image by mbll from Pixabay
45. Can't go wrong with pizza.
My cousin who, let's say, isn't playing with a full deck and thought that she had hired a caterer because she sat at a bar one night and said to this lady "you should do the food for my wedding." Waited until about an hour after the food should have logically arrived before starting to make some phone calls, only to find out that the "caterer" was on vacation in Costa Rica and had no idea that the bride thought she was doing food for the wedding. Dominoes pizza to the rescue about 2 hours later. But the reception being at a bowling ally with a keg in the middle of the dance floor was completely planned.
Pixabay
44. Let's get rid of apartheid.
We went to this wedding held by some rich French friends where we didn't know anyone and despite costing major coin, there were two tiers of invitees. Those that got orange juice and peanuts for snack food and those that got the real goodies, like champagne and finger sandwiches. The cocktail party was literally on two sides of a courtyard and people who didn't get the champagne had to stay to one side.
43. Tickets don't guarantee entry.
Not me, but a co-worker. She was invited to the service and reception. Apparently, the couple invited a couple hundred people to the service, but only 50 to the reception. If you hadn't been invited the reception, your invite didn't have the location. People assumed it was a mistake, so they started following those who knew where it was. The mother of the bride was horrified (this had been her idea). She didn't want to be rude, but there was also not enough food or sitting space.
42. Hopefully not a prelude to the marriage.
My Grandpa was getting re-married, and for some reason insisted that the wedding be held in an ancient dilapidated hotel in western Pennsylvania - he grew up near there, so I guess it had sentimental value or something. Well, this hotel happened to be adjacent to a creepy old amusement park, which was hosting a giant Halloween party the night of the wedding. The entire ceremony was marred by bloodcurdling screams and chainsaws, and moaning people spattered in fake blood were wandering outside the wedding hall the entire time.
Wikimedia
41. Do it your way.
My husband and I started planning a wedding (2nd for both of us) and realized 1) we didn't want our families anywhere near each other and 2) we could either have a big wedding, or a down-payment on a house. We picked the house and decided to fly to Vegas for the wedding. My one condition I put on getting married in Vegas when he suggested it was that I got to make it look as much like a mistake as possible, for fun. I wore a yellow backless dress with rhinestones, and he had a white suit with a Hawaiian shirt to match my dress. We were married at 11 pm on Friday the 13th by an Elvis, with a Dog the Bounty Hunter impersonator and black drag queen in attendance. She cried because we looked so happy. Also there were 8 or 10 Oklahomans (all in odd wedding veils, Groucho Marx glasses, or strange hats) who wanted to see a "real Vegas wedding" and just walked in and sat down. Elvis had to restart the band (his ipod) three times during my trip down the aisle because it kept cutting out. We wrote our own vows, and referred to each other as "loser" during the ceremony. We had an amazing time, the photos are killer, and we're still happily wed. 10/10 would do again.
40. Kudos to Kathy.
Bride doesn't show up after 2hrs of waiting then calls to tell the groom that she changed her mind. Groom starts crying and his mom shouts, "Shut up! I told you to marry Kathy but noooooo Kathy was too fat huh? You just had to chase a model! She couldn't even wipe her butt with those nails much less cook your dinner. Why would Jessica want you? You're broke and you're ugly. Kathy wouldn't have stood you up cause she's ugly too. Serves you right."
Groom continues to cry while the guests stared in shock.
Yes, Kathy was there but just like everyone else she was afraid to confront the mom. She did give him a hug afterwards though.
39. Standing room only.
I went to a wedding where were no tables and chairs. Like none. They had an open bar but no chairs. Everyone had to put their drink on the ground and hold their plate to eat. It was crazy.
Everyone just assumed that some sort of terrible thing happened where the tables and chair people didn't bring them but afterwards I asked her (the bride) what happened and she just said "Oh, we would have had to pay extra for that."
38. That's why you hire a DJ.
Normal wedding for a very religious couple. Got to the reception and the food was all sandwich trays from Walmart. When it came time to dance, they put on what was probably a "Now That's What I Call 90's" cd (this was in 2008ish) and the first song was Semi-Charmed Life (Doo doo doo, do doodoodoo). A few seconds in, the mother of the bride turns off the CD player (yeah) and puts in a CD with children's bible songs. About a minute later Semi charmed Life comes back on, then off, then children's songs. Repeat this about two or three more times as the Mom tries to control what her adult married daughter can play at her wedding. We left.
37. Tonight is most definitely not going to be a good night.
I was a banquet manager at a hotel for years, and have worked hundreds of weddings. Worst one by far: The bride was AT LEAST 20 years younger than the groom, almost definitely an arranged marriage. Only about 20 people were invited to the reception, and the only decoration was a massive blown-up picture of the bride and groom in the shape of a heart. When the bride and groom walked into the room, someone put Black Eyed Peas "Tonight's Going to be a Good Night" on the CD player. Then the song played again, and again, and again for three hours straight. The only time it stopped was when the CD ended, because apparently no one learned how to use the repeat feature so they just burned a CD with the same song on it 20 times. When it did stop though, someone just got up and restarted it. Also, no booze.
36. Make him an offer he can't refuse.
Mafia wedding. I was in the band. The bridge and groom looked like they were gonna kill each other when they were feeding each other the cake and men on either side jumped up from their seats to settle everyone down and pull them apart after they SHOVED the cake into each others' faces. Then the "grandpa" sat in a chair and basically a receiving line formed for him. A limo pulled up outside and he left. All the guests cleared out once he left. Nobody cared the reception was still going.
35. Forgive them, Father.
The bride was a former nun who left her order not long after taking her vows to marry a friend of my family's. During the wedding ceremony, the priest kept staring at her, shaking his head slightly and making facial expressions that displayed his disappointment in her decision. It became especially awkward during his homily when he said, "Keeping the vows we make - whether nuptial vows or religious - says much about our integrity and sincerity."
34. That's nuts. Literally.
I was at one wedding where the menu for the reception was advertised as nut-free, coconut-free, and lactose-free in order to accommodate a whole host of allergies among the guests and children.
The chef for the buffet decided to ignore the contract and put nuts in EVERYTHING. There were almonds in the salads, pecans in the desserts, walnuts in the chicken... Nuts everywhere!
It got awkward when the bride found out. See, the bride, and all of her sisters, have severe nut allergies. She ate burger king at her wedding, and her sister - 8 months pregnant - shot up her epipen and snuck out to go to the ER with anaphylaxis.
The cringey, awkward thing was watching the groom try to soothe and cheer the bride. It was awkward: she was seething with just pure unadulterated rage and the guests could only look on helplessly.
The day was saved some two hours later when the bride & groom's kids got silly and hyper, distracting bride from her anger. It was really tense though, a lot of people left.
33. No do-overs.
My wedding was the worst, unfortunately.
This was because of my wife's family. We wanted to keep the wedding very small. We were very young and some thought we were too young to get married, so this was the reasoning for keeping it small. I had my parents, brother and 4 friends. My wife invited her parents, brother and grandmother. Her grandmother took it upon herself to invite the entire side of my wife's family. We had over 100 unexpected guests that acted as if they were insulted that they had to be there.
The good news is, my wife and I are going on 15 years.
32. It's a trend.
I had friends get married in a "forest." It was a stretch of meager woods between two cornfields. Mosquitoes galore. We had to sit on logs that were covered in damp moss, the mud was ankle deep in places, and the ceremony was inaudible due to a tractor plowing the field. They served food out a "charming old cottage" that was actually a rotting former chicken coop that the groom literally dragged in from elsewhere. The entire event was a nightmare.
31. Read between the lines.
I was at a dry wedding where the main theme was "books". You were assigned to read a book prior to the wedding and were sat with people who read that same book to create conversation. Interesting idea, but a majority of people aren't going to do it. People were also purposely not put with people they knew, in attempt to make people socialize with others. Basically all we did is make a few sentences about how we didn't read the book, and left after a being served an inedible dinner and headed to a bar.
PIxabay
30. Videos recommended for you.
Went to a couple's wedding who were both on their second wedding. The dude was rich so everything was pretty nice. Except they decided a DJ wasn't needed. She made a playlist from Youtube and had that playing.
The levels on all the songs were different, we had to wait for wifi to load the songs, and someone had to keep changing the playlist when it finished. But that wasn't the worst part. More than half the songs were Pitbull. He was on every playlist, sometimes in a row, and songs were repeated.
I should add in that they definitely had the money for it, as they had a guy playing banjo the whole time. No singing. Just acoustic while pictures were being taken.
29. Just like the musical.
My brother's wedding was bonkers. My family is mormon and he got married inside the mormon temple. You can only watch the ceremony if you are a mormon with a mormon bishop's approval. I didn't have approval and neither did my parents.
So my brother's wedding consisted of me watching kids on the lawn of a mormon temple in the summer heat while my parents openly wept.
28. Better off with two separate weddings.
Parents of the bride were divorced and it was clearly not amicable. The bride didn’t seem to have much backbone so instead of telling them to put aside their differences, they ran amok. She walked down the aisle with her natural dad but then her in-law dad stood with her at the altar. She had to do two separate father-daughter dances to two complete songs. The bio dad was hooked up with a loud trashy girl a good 15-20 years younger than her bio mom so she decided to wear a low cut dress that looked more for nightclubbing while the ex wife stared daggers at her all night. It was most awkward 4 hours of my life.
Photo by Emma Bauso from Pexels
27. So ungrateful.
My brother's wedding was a fiacso. My parents and I have helped him through a lot of trouble in his life - prison, addiction etc. He’s clean and clear now but I don’t think he’s ever understood what those years did to our family. And in typical white people fashion we never talk about it.
His wife was wedding CRAZY so it was all about her, which is fine except her family had all the front tables, we were stuck down the back behind his ‘rehab family’ - they had 3 hours of speeches where no one thanked or acknowledged my mum or dad. Who had given them $20k for the wedding.
We were then the last table to get to go to the buffet by which time nothing was left. Oh and of course there was no alcohol. My husband and I went through McDonalds on the way home.
It just showed me that people never change, he’s still an idiot. Now he’s just an idiot with a wife.
26. Unbelievably bad.
I went to a friend's hyper-religious wedding. The ceremony was super long and all about GOD FIRST, the couple second... And how the wife should obey the husband and about how they needed to have kids now.
Thankfully there was booze but we were the only table drinking it. The bar staff were bored out of their minds. My ex was seated at the same table as my (then boyfriend) husband and I. The best man's speech was about the tickle fights him, the groom and the other religious guys would have... And when the groom (who was a friend of mine from high school) came over to our table to say hi, a guy from the table behind him kept stroking his ear? It honestly was really sad the amount of closeted gay guys there was in that room.
Also I made the mistake of mentioning to some religious chick that I lived with my boyfriend and she suddenly turned away and stopped talking to me.
25. Married to the elements.
The worst wedding I've been to was on a beach on a day where the wind decided it wanted to make a point that it was boss. Wind coming off the ocean tends to cut through clothing really easily and this was an outside wedding at night.
Ceremony starts, the microphone they are using is strait static and no one can hear a thing the groom say and it's just loud ear piercing static. Once the finish and they are about to walk down the aisle to take pictures, the grooms brother run up there and grabs the mic and says wait everyone I have something to say. Gives a 30 minute sermon about god's will ( neither of these people getting married are religious). They go and take pictures, it takes two and a half hours. It starts to become night time and everyone is in dress clothes waiting for the pictures to finish up. Still no food and everyone is starving and freezing to death.
Then finally it was food time. Apparently the catering company drove all the food premade from hours away. It consisted of white rice, salad, mashed potatoes and the driest unsalted chicken you would get from El Pollo Loco. At least we would get cake. I was wrong. They brought out little cheese cake bites that were cut in to little squares. I ate one and knew the gig was up. It was the tell tale sign of Sara Lee cheese cake. These caterers seriously charged these people to cater their wedding and went and got 8 dollar cheese cakes from the store and tried to pass it off. It was kind of crazy and I left I was too cold to be out there during that.
24. Only one couple will survive.
Went to a couple of dry weddings when I was first in college, both of which were for Christian couples that were my age who wanted to get married so they could finally sleep together.
Both were okay, but awkward. One was held in a reception hall that had an inexplicable amount of Wizard of Oz paraphernalia behind glass cases. The tables were too close together. It was hard watching the Maid of Honor give the speech since she was the bride’s unmarried older sister who had a child. She was trying not to cry the whole time. For the other dry-Christian wedding, I snuck in booze and shared, but because the dinner line was hours-long, I ran out of drinks before the dancing. And the dancing was terrible. The worst choice of songs was topped off by playing “Kryptonite” as a dance song with lots of dorky white teenagers trying to dance to it. I still get an extra bump of cringe every time I hear that song.
For those curious, Kryptonite couple is divorced. Wizard of Oz couple is together to my knowledge.
Pixabay
23. Portion control is paramount.
Fancy wedding at an award-winning restaurant, groom was head chef. Maybe 100 or so guests. Stoked to eat some great food.
We show up, realize they had the wedding itself on a boat an hour earlier with only a dozen or so of the closest guests. Kinda weird walking in and seeing the bride in her dress just shmoozing with everyone but cool, whatever floats your boat.
Open bar! Everyone grabs their drinks and starts to get a bit tipsy. Food starts coming out. Everyone is lined up buffet style. Four of those hotel pans of food come out and are quickly emptied. The rest of the crowd (maybe 60-70 people) wait around in line for 10, 15, 20 minutes. Most sit back down or grab another drink.
Another half hour passes. People get more tipsy. Food still isn't coming out. Bride, groom, and family seem completely unfazed. There was a cheese/meat board but everything was gone in the first 10 minutes except for a giant wheel of parmesan, which people started hacking at desperately with forks.
Flash forward two hours. Everyone is completely trashed and angry/confused. Still no food. We're in a restaurant. The groom is a chef. What is happening.
We went to Taco Bell.
Six months later, the bride messages me on Facebook asking if my now husband and I would like them to cater our upcoming wedding. No thanks.
22. Matrimonial double-cross.
I attended a friend's wedding the weekend after my own wedding. Not to toot my own horn, but our wedding went pretty awesome. My naive expectations of what a wedding can be are about to be shattered.
We, myself and my wife's immediate family, arrive late to the chapel. We're all close friends with the groom's family, so they hold off for about 10 mins or so as we get there. Well, it's a balmy 41C over there in Grenoble that time of year, and everyone in the tiny chapel is sweating like Shaq at the free throw line. No less that two elderly women have fainted before the vows are said and the ceremony is rushed to get everyone out of the heat.
So rushed that the reception is two hours in advance and nothing is in order. The only relief at this point is to start drinking. And not stopping. By the time the power is turned on at the reception hall, water (and toilets) functioning, and apéritive started everyone is nearly plastered.
Cue 4 hours of french military bros horsing around and generally making every non-military person uncomfortable. But now the dinner can begin. And let's see the bride and groom's big surprise!!
In a presentation mulled with technical difficulties - protector not working, audio not working- we see the couple getting married in Las Vegas in those imitation Elvis chapels. Turns out they'd already eloped, PRIOR to this mess of a wedding. I'll never forget the look of shock and disgust in the father-of-the-bride's eyes.
21. Old-fashioned fail.
I'm a woman, and was a groomsperson for a male friend of mine at his wedding. I should've guessed that trouble was afoot when he told me all about the awesome minister he'd gotten for the wedding who had demanded that he and his bride stop sleeping with each other for 6 months beforehand. Neither the groom nor the bride are particularly religious, but the minister was a total Christ-packer and way into traditional gender roles.
I show up for the rehearsal and the minister can't seem to figure out that I go with the groomsmen. He keeps telling me that I belong with the bridesmaids. Finally another man explains to him (very slowly) that I'm in the groom's party. Whatever. We run through the ceremony and the bride explains that there are certain parts of the traditional vows she's not comfortable with. Everyone takes note.
The next day, things get off to a great start when the groom shows up to the wedding and then disappears. Apparently there was something wrong with the A/V equipment and he went out to get a new cord, instead of having someone else do it. He finally arrives and is sweaty and unkempt. Us groomsmen hustle him in to his tux and into the ceremony, where people are already starting to freak out. But everything should be fine from here on out, right? NO.
The minister (who the groom loved because of his feisty sense of humor...) starts things off with a lengthy speech about marriage and how men are like this and women are like that. And by "that," I mean "screeching, gold-digging harpies who can only be temporarily silenced by appeasing their lust for gems and other shiny trinkets." The bride is... not happy. Then when they get to the vows, the minister deliberately makes her go through the part she'd specifically mentioned the previous day as something she didn't feel comfortable saying. As in, he says it, she doesn't repeat it, then he repeats himself. Twice. Finally she gives in and says it. So much awkward.
20. Keeping it trashy in Kentucky.
My cousin got married in an Eastern Kentucky small town. It was at least an hour drive from any hotels. Their wedding was in late June. In the middle of a field. In full sun. His wife "designed" the flowers and decorations, which amounted to some really sad looking shade plants wilting in the sun, still in their plastic pots with hooks attached, just sitting in the aisle. It was above 90 degrees out, and they were forty-five minutes late starting the ceremony.
While we were sitting there, cooking in the sun, sweating through our nice clothes, they provided bottled water to help us cool down. But no one brought ice. The bottles were stored, warm, with no ice, in bright orange 20 gallon buckets with rope handles. Which were placed on either side of the aisle. They did not do any kind of insect treatment to this field before the event. Mosquitoes and chiggers. Everywhere.
The reception was held in the middle school cafeteria just down the road. They reused the prom decorations for their reception. Because in this small town, apparently the high school prom happens in the middle school cafeteria. It smelled like old macaroni and cheese. The provided meal was quartered squares of bologna and ham sandwiches on wonderbread with a spread of condiments. The wedding cake was from Wal-Mart.
I should specify at this point that money was not an issue. They had a fairly large budget. They just thought this was good food.
19. Gotta keep it entertaining.
My cousin's wedding was a doozy. The ceremony and reception were at this gorgeous hotel on the top of a mountain. The ceremony was held outside. It was beautifully staged, but a gusty day. We couldn't hear a word of the ceremony. The women were trying to keep their dresses and hair from flying all over the place, while the men kept getting smacked in the face with their ties.
Then it was time for the reception. Our plates came to the table, and we cut into raw chicken. We asked for new plates to be told they didn't have any extra, and the kitchen had been closed since the entrees were done.
My husband and I were in from out of state for the wedding, and had carpooled with another cousin (Cousin #2). We were starving, so she gave us her car and directions to a nearby Subway. We slipped out, as we didn't want Cousin #1 to realize what had happened and be upset.
As we were finishing our subs, we get a call from Cousin #2 telling us to get back there ASAP, as she needed to leave immediately.
We pull up to the outside of the hotel, and Cousin #2 is outside yelling at yet another cousin (Cousin #3). Cousin #3's father then starts getting in Cousin #2's face. At this point my mother steps in and breaks it up. Cousin #2 leaves. 5 minutes later the cops show up, as someone called about the fight.
The groom then comes out and yells at everyone, and the cops end up leaving. Somehow we kept all of this from Cousin #1, who had no idea that all of this ridiculousness was happening at her wedding.
10. Don't blame the DJ.
My cousin's wedding was in October in the north of the U.S. It was an outdoor wedding and it was about 35 degrees and windy. Bridesmaids weren't "allowed" to wear jackets, and the groomsmen were only in vests and dress shirts, so everyone was freezing. Having planned the wedding in the summer, the programs were printed on fans. There were no microphones, so no one could hear the service over the wind. Oh well.
The reception was super nice, and was clearly very well planned out by the bride, with cool centerpieces, handmade favors, nice food, all that. The problem was that the bride (not my cousin) was such a stereotypical "bridezilla" the previous months that no one wanted to be there (for instance, the previous 2 weeks she uninvited her sisters and parents two or three times and them re-invited them).
After dinner the dancing starts. Within 15 minutes, literally the brides entire family leaves. My wife and I are two of maybe 6 people dancing. We take a break, and the DJ comes over and asks us what we want to hear, and begs us to keep dancing. After an hour, there's only about 30 people still around. Of 200 guests. The bride spends the next 20 minutes dancing alone, as my cousin doesn't dance. Finally, she approaches the DJ, gesturing slicing her throat, and the reception abruptly ends. Only 8 people are left. All from the groom's family.
I've been to "worse" weddings, but this was the worst experience because everything was so nice looking and set up to be a blast. I've never felt so uncomfortable.
9. Never skimp on the cake.
Hands down the worst wedding I've ever been to was that of my 20 years older step cousin who married a girl from the grade above me in high school that I vaguely knew but wasn't friends with. The reception was in the basement of a bowling alley. The pastor went on a ten minute sermon in the middle of the wedding ceremony about DIVORCE. This was doubly awkward because there were 9 parents present due to multiple parental divorces on both sides.
They forwent a receiving line after the ceremony and promised to have one at the beginning of the reception. They were over a half hour late to their own reception. The receiving line never happened and they never visited with their guests. The entire bridal party showed up at the reception absolutely trashed. Most of the guests were over the age of 45. So of course they proceeded to play hardcore rock at painful volume that prevented all conversation.
The best (worst) part was the wedding cake was cheesecake with frosting on it. It was cut in such a way that it looked like normal cake, everyone was unpleasantly surprised when they took their first bite. It was not good cheesecake. Most people bailed about two and a half hours into the reception--right after the cake was served.
8. Clean up duty.
My cousin had a 'dry wedding' (no alcohol) because members in her church crowd were heavily against drinking. Keep in mind that our family enjoys drinking (We have been making our own moonshine for decades). After the food was served, her church friends hauled out of there as fast as they could, leaving only my family of alcoholics. The DJ we were tortured by was someone random from her church that had obviously never worked a wedding before. My family lingered around a bit, but left soon after that and the reception was dead by 9pm. The people from her church that she had paid to help clean up had left right after the food as well. So by time I was leaving, she was cleaning up with her new husband. I stayed to help because I felt bad and she asked me to, but her wedding was awful.
7. Glad it all worked out... sort of.
My wedding was pretty abysmal. We had a baby on the way so changed our plans to save money. We had a registry in the center of town. Our ceremony was delayed when there was a suicide scare in the building with some dude from another party out on the window ledge.
Afterwards we literally walked 200m up the road to the pub, bought everyone a round of drinks. Then we walked across town to a nice restaurant we had booked. We didn't ask for gifts, only asked that people pay for their meal. We bought another round of drinks in the restaurant.
The wedding cake was in the only corner of the restaurant where there was room, so I had to squeeze in behind her for the obligatory cake cutting pictures. All the pictures look like I am bending her over the table and giving her a good seeing to. My parents were dismayed. I thought it was hilarious.
After the meal we walked a little further to a church that had been converted into a night club. I had my first dance with my wife to some Britney Spears Techno mash-up. People kept buying me whiskey. I had to carry my exhausted wife, wedding dress and all, piggy-back style to the nearest taxi rank to go home. Her shoes had mangled her feet.
But do you know what? I'd do it the same way again. It was a fantastic day, and I was able to take the full two weeks off work when the baby arrived without worrying about money.
6. Nobody wins at wife swap.
Photo by Blake Newman from Pexels
5. Sounds like a totally normal wedding.
I had a good time at this wedding but I'm one of the only people who did.
My college roommate, Lauren, met this guy in Denmark the year after she graduated college. They started a long distance relationship and got married about a year and a half after meeting. Majority of the guests were coming from out of state (we all attended college instate, she was from another) or out of the country (Denmark). It didn't occur to her to arrange transportation or even directions to and from the ceremony (which was at a state park half an hour away from the hotel where we were staying and where the reception was being held) for the 80% of her wedding guests who had flown in from other states and COUNTRIES for this wedding. I found this out when I was helping her get ready and she asked for my phone so she could google where the park was in relation to the hotel because the groom's grandpa had asked her for directions. I hitched a ride with my friend who had driven up, thank god.
The ceremony was held next to a pretty waterfall but it was and mosquito season. No food was served at the reception other than small bites and a chocolate fountain. The wedding ceremony was in the afternoon and the reception was all evening. She didn't even provide a small buffet of anything moderately substantial. And trust me, money was not an option. She spent $8K on her dress and $2K on her flowers. So we stopped at Dairy Queen Grill & Chill before the ceremony for chicken strips and shakes.
She only had an open bar for 1 hour so all of us would wait in line, get the two drink max, and then just get in the back of the line to drink while we waited our turn for the next drinks. The dance floor was the size of a small walk-in closet but that didn't really matter because the DJ would literally play one song and then the groom's uncle, the MC of the event apparently, would introduce a video from someone on the groom's side of the family who couldn't make the wedding but had put together a 5-7 minutes video in another language congratulating them. It went song, GREETING FROM BJORN, song, CONGRATULATIONS FROM THE KNORKELSENS, song, HALLO AND LOVE FROM SURKIN AND MURKIN ABBALICIOUS for 3 hours.
Anyway, I got pretty hammered and decided to shut down the club with an impromptu speech in which I quoted Jimmy Eat World lyrics and alluded to the bride's former affinity for Asians. Someone showed up in jeans. I did a shot in someone's hotel room with like 10 rugby players from the groom's side. I remember finding a cat somewhere. I woke up in my cocktail dress to QVC on my TV with my hand in between the pizza slice and the cheese that came on top of it.
So it worked out pretty good for me. The end.
4. The best redneck wedding ever.
We had planned a lovely wedding, but when it came time to actually put plans into motion I realized there was no way my family and his family needed to be within several miles of each other, much less the same venue.
We decided we'd get married, just the two of us and the gentleman responsible for the paperwork. Planned a lovely little picnic type event (our minister was a dear friend, we told him to bring his wife and we'd treat them to lunch afterwards) at a local duck pond that has a pretty gazebo we could use.
The morning of, and we apparently stepped into monsoon season. 20% chance of rain in the forecast had turned to 16 inches of rain overnight, with more on the way. We almost couldn't leave our house because the water was so high. I call friend and tell him to scratch the duck pond idea, can he just meet us in town so nobody gets washed away?
Well, we also run a farm so the easiest common ground that we all knew how to get there was the local feed store. Hubby and I arrive early, go inside and buy the feed we needed. As we come out, friend arrives and helps hubby load feed into the back of our truck. Still pouring rain. I hear something and see a four or five week old kitten about to get washed into a storm drain so I grab it, wrap it in my jacket, and place it in the passenger seat of our truck before climbing into friend's Honda Element. We say our vows, sitting in the backseat, soaking wet and covered in hay and mud, and go our separate ways afterwards. Hubby learns we have a new cat.
It was a mess from beginning to end, but somehow it was perfect and we have a heck of a story to tell our son someday.
3. It's a nice day for a wet wedding.
Went to a wedding that my wife and I said will not last more than two years. The wedding was in the backyard of the bride's house. They had all the chairs and wedding "arch" setup outside. They setup a plastic tarp running down the aisle to walk on. Just before the wedding starts, dark clouds start appearing. Should have been a sign to move the wedding inside, but they invited too many people to do that.
Just as they start the wedding, it begins to rain lightly. The father of the bride is walking the bride down the lane and slips on the wet tarp, and falls. Bride is now at the front, raining harder. People start to cover up with whatever they have. Some people start to get up too. Bride turns around and says to all, THIS IS MY WEDDING, NO ONE IS GOING TO RUIN IT, YOU BETTER ALL SIT DOWN!
We all sit back down and the wedding resumes. It is now raining pretty good. The grass is now turning into mud. A few ladies in the crowd and the bridesmaids makeup is now running down their faces. My wife has taken my jacket as a cover from the rain. They finish the vows and kiss, and then everyone runs to the house and garage to get out of the rain. Oh, remember how I said the grass was now mud? Yea, lots of people slipped and fell in the mud on the way to the house.
We got to the house, many people look terrible from the runing makeup, muddy clothing, and soaking wet. A few of the women had to cover their chests and waists due to wet clothing becoming see-thru. Most of the men were loaning their coats to the ladies to cover up. Dirty looks all around.
The wedding cake was outside, and now brought in. The rain made the decorations on the cake turn all runny and it looks horrible. The bride and groom began to cut the cake and feed each other. The smashed the cake pieces into each others faces....then began a food fight with each other. My friends wife got hit in the face with purple icing cake on her face and dress. The priest got hit with and yellow icing on his white robe. There was nothing left of the cake to serve.
Food being served was still frozen in the middle of the food and the stuff that was not frozen, was burned. The desert was supped to be the cake, but as said above, there was nothing left. There was a goody bag that people got on the way out. Had a lollipop, a coupon for ice cream cone at McDonald's, a pencil with the bride and groom's name on it, and Halloween size M&Ms.
My wife, whose dress was filthy, her makeup was out of wack, and her hair was a mess, said to me that she does not want to see those people again for 6 months she was so mad. The couple divorced 11 months later.
Pixabay
2. They're coco-nuts for each other.
While in high school, a recently graduated friend got pregnant and "had" to get married. Both sets of parents were incensed that their good religious children had done it before marriage and both sets of parents were convinced that the other parents' child was to blame. His parents thought the bride was "no better than a street walker", her parents thought equally badly of the groom.
Then there were the cultural slurs thrown around - mostly by his family since they were white and the bride's family was Hispanic. When the father of the groom asked if the bride's family planned on serving "dirty rice, heh heh" at the reception . . .I thought the grandmother of the bride was going to body slam him out the door.
So we get to the day of the wedding and Bride's six brothers spend of the day skulking around like they've got weapons hidden in their suits. The groom's family continued to try to convince him that he should "at least wait until the bastard is born so you can find out if it's yours or not" right up until he went to stand at the altar.
After a very quick ceremony, the whole crowd heads off to the reception being held in the rec room of an apartment complex. The bride and groom try to make the best of it - there was no dancing or even music (because of their religion) and the food was just snack type stuff. It was a whole room of unhappy family members sucking down red punch and bad attitudes.
Then comes the coup de grace - the groom's sister (who was a good 15 years older than the groom) had volunteered to provide the wedding cake as she'd been making really fancy cakes for family birthdays for years. Bride was kind of excited about this since it was really the only gesture of welcome she got from groom's family.
Sister took off right after the ceremony to go and pick up the cake and after an hour, had still not shown up. After another thirty minutes, the bride was ready to just break a chocolate cookie with the groom and be done with it when Sister arrives - carrying 3 store bought coconut cakes.
Correction - 3 of the smallest store bought cakes ever in existence AND they were obviously not fresh cakes (they had discount stickers on the boxes). Each cake said it served 6 people and there were over 70 people at the reception plus they were coconut - which the bride was allergic to. The groom's sister had obviously spent an hour or so driving around to different stores looking for the worst of all cakes for this wedding. (And she never even tried to explain why she did not make the cake herself as she had offered to do)
I don't think the bride stopped crying for days and the groom just looked like he wanted to shoot his whole family.
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1. The wedding of despair.
My best friend's wedding should never have happened. She was only with her husband because she doesn't think she can do better and no one else had really expressed interest. It was painful to watch her just lock herself into this relationship. I could see she even knew that's what was happening, somewhere deep inside. So many things happened which made it clear what was happening and even why.
She spent the evening before with my husband and I talking about any guy she had ever had an interest in or flirtation with. It was like she was mouring all of her lost chances. No excitement, no mention of her husband to be. We jokingly (but not that jokingly) offered to just take her home with us, 6 hours away.
She had no plans for getting ready the next day. Asked me at 10 PM to do her hair and makeup and arranged for the photographer to come to my hotel to document this. We also drove her to the wedding. Neither I nor my husband (her second best friend) were invited to be in her wedding party. It was strange, and so many people the next day would say "Oh, you're her best friend! She talks about you all the time!" and look confused. Her matron of honor and bridesmaid were her husband's best man's family. They did not contribute to helping her get ready. It was like she didn't want us, the people who care about her, involved in this.
Her parents had not been in touch for days and came 15 minutes late to the ceremony, never calling her beforehand. She had clearly learned her lack of value at home...
His vows were mostly jokes for the audience. Loving her was never mentioned. Despite her asking him not to, he violently smushed the cake in her face. I helped her clean up. It was deeply up her nostrils, in her hair, in her eyes. Bridesmaids tried to take pictures while laughing until I menacingly threw them out of the bathroom. It took me a while to make her vaguely presentable again. I offered again to just take her with me, far less jokingly. This time she was quiet and a little teary but did not respond. Best man's speech was about her husband mostly, with a story about how clumsy she is. I had to walk outside. My husband had to calm me down as I cried and yelled about it all, before people heard me.
In the end, this was her choice. She spent the following ten years- so far- feeding the worst, saddest parts of herself. She's become completely self-involved (I guess she needs to because no one else in her life is taking care of her). We haven't actually spoken in about 3 years, though she emails with my husband (again, about herself only). She still calls me her BFF on facebook and refers to my daughter as her niece, though my daughter doesn't know her at all. Thank God they never had children. It was a wedding, but it felt like watching someone commit suicide.
Pixabay
